1. Check you have boobs with you in order to start to breastfeed. (Look under shirt if unsure).
2. Check you have baby with you.
3. Check that the baby you have with you is, in fact, your own. This should most definitely be YOUR baby. Do not use anybody else’s baby. (If you are a wet nurse, disregard this point & move on to point number 4.)
4. Get comfy. Get a brew. Get a book ready. Stick on a movie. Get chatting to friends. Relax. Unhook bra at one side. Just at one side for now ladies, don’t get ahead of yourselves.
5. Oh, you forgot to wear your maternity bra? & your maternity shirt? Oh well, wiggle that puppy free the best you can.
6. Place baby across your lap on their side & say gooey things to it while it coos at you & just looks all together scrumptious. You made that. That came out of you. Well done.
7. Pop your boob out of bra. If in a public setting, ignore the startled stares of those around you.
8. Rest your arm under babies head and bring babies head to your breast. Use your other hand to hold babies bottom in place. This is the cradle hold. Do not hunch. You’re not Quasimodo & nor do you want to be.
9. Remember all those pictures of airbrushed women breastfeeding their non-baby acne-ridden babies where the kid latches on immediately & suckles away contently for the perfect 30 minutes with zero fuss? That is EXACTLY how this is going to go!!
10. That was sarcasm.
11. Bring baby to the breast, tipping their head back slightly, & tickle her lip with your nipple until they open their mouth wide. No, no – don’t just cram it in there! Yeah, you see, you’re just mashing it into their face & they look a bit scared – that’s just going to tick them off– oh, they’re crying. Yeah, erm, oh dear…
12. Soothe baby.
13. Okay, try numbers 8 & 11 again.
14. Perfect. Now help them to scoop that breast straight into their mouth using their lower jaw first & then bringing their head forwards so the upper jaw closes deeply over the breast. You must bring the baby to you. Do not move your breast to the baby. That is a sin.
15. And now your breastfeeding!
16. Oh they fell off, huh?
17. Repeat steps 8 through 15 again.
18. Are you in public? Cover your boob up! // Are you in public? Don’t cover your boob up! Oh that’s right — I don’t care! Do what makes you comfortable — live & let live! Set the boobs free! Viva la boob! Feed that baby! Ignore that grumpy old woman in the corner! Lock eyes with her — STARE HER DOWN.
19. Grab that cup of decaf & take a nice, long swig. Take a bite of a biscuit.
20. Fell off again, huh?
21. Repeat steps 8 through 15 again.
22. Leave baby there until they naturally fall off.
23. (How long have they been on there? Oh that’s way too long – way WAY too long — do you have chocolate milk in there or something??! Oh no wait, my bad, they’re just hungry! Carry on.)
24. Give that baby a good ol’ burp.
25. What do you mean they won’t burp? Have you tried them on your shoulder? Bounced them on your knee? Laid them on their tummy in your lap? Oh. Yeah, I got nothing. Perhaps they really like to hold on to their wind? Maybe they don’t want to burp? Maybe you’re doing it wro–oh, there you go!
26. Switch the baby to the other side & repeat steps 8 through 15. Try not to leave the other boob out while you breastfeed. We’ve all done it, but be fair, it’s served its purpose. Lock that guy away & tell it it did a good job!
27. Have another sip of your drink & relax.
28. Oh they fell off again? You know what to do.
29. They won’t take it anymore? Oh good! They’re full! Awesome!
30. Take a break & get ready to repeat at approximately whatever time that baby wants boob again. It should definitely be in 2 hours though. 2 hours exactly. Definitely not before. If your baby is acting hungry sooner than 2 hours, your baby is DEFINITELY lying to you.
31. (You got the sarcasm that time again didn’t you? Good job.)
If you enjoyed this, why not check out my post on why night time feeding is so important!