The Tooth Fairy Sucks – The Story of When my 7yo Saved my 6yos Life

They say you have to watch your children like a hawk. They say if they’re quiet, they’re usually doing something you should be wary or scared of. You know, something monumentally naughty like painting the dog or eating all the chocolate in the cupboard or force feeding their younger sibling pebbles or telling them that the tooth fairy doesn’t exist.


Yesterday, I’m fairly sure that Little 7 Bird saved Little 6 Bird’s life…

The biggest Lost Boys went upstairs to tidy their bedroom (they did it the day before, but I had to explain to them this morning that “shoving it under your bed & train track table does not constitute tidying up”.

After a few minutes they returned, informing me that the back of their TV remote had fallen off (no doubt from one of them throwing it at the back of the other ones head) & that the batteries were “missing”…I was nursing the baby at the time, so I sent them to quickly find them & bring them downstairs for me to sort out before the Threenager discovered & ate one as a delicious after dinner snack.

Next thing I know, Little 6 Bird is running down the stairs, screaming, tears streaming down his face from his beautiful sky blue eyes (looking magnified to 3 times their usual rice by his thick lensed glasses (seriously, he gets eyes like Professor Trelawney from Harry Potter)) with his big brother close on his heals looking terrified.

And 6 Bird said 3 words that literally stopped my heart (okay, well actually figuratively because if it had literally stopped I’d be dead, but literally sounds better, so I’m going with it):

“I swallowed it”.

Obviously I flipped the heck out thinking he’d eaten the bloody battery & panic ensued.

He was screaming, I was screaming, his big brother was screaming, the baby was screaming (because I’d taken away the boobie) — the only one that wasn’t making any noise was Little 3 Bird, who it turned out in all the commotion had taken himself off to bed 🤷‍♀️

After 5 minutes of hysterical “what do you mean you swallowed it?!”, this is what I found out:

The lovely Tooth Fairy had been last night & given him a £1 coin for his lost baby incisor that had popped out while he was eating an apple earlier in the day.

Instantly, relief flooded me because I thought he’d swallowed the tooth, not thinking about the fact that the bloody Fairy had taken it away already 🤦🏼‍♀️.

“No no no” I was informed, tears still falling. “I swallowed my money.”

Now, I don’t know about you, but my kids have never swallowed an inanimate object before, so I was a bit baffled as to was to do & by baffled I mean I started worrying all over again. I thought rationally to myself “well, it’s got to come out the other end at some point.” But I wasn’t entirely sure and Mr Bird wasn’t home from work yet to ask. What if it gets stuck? So I called my parents, as you do.

“I’m so embarrassed” Little 6 Bird told his grandma & grandad, as they said to call ‘111’ but it would most likely just pass through.

And I wasn’t embarrassed. At this point, I was furious.

Out of all the Lost Boys, Little 6 Bird has a tendency to chew things — even more so than the teething baby who has, on more than one occasion, tried to eat my toes & is always after the kittens toys…and their tails. He is obsessed with Lego & constantly putting pieces into his mouth. Everyone — I mean everyone — who knows him has told him at some point or another to take it out of his mouth or he will choke.

Well, he’d choked.

It transpired that, lying on his back on his bed (& not searching for the missing battery as I’d asked) he had been messing with the money, hovering above his mouth, when his hand had slipped & he had dropped it straight into the back of his throat.

As he had choked on the coin, Little 7 Bird (my precious, oldest, too-mature-for-his-age boy) had grabbed him & whacked him as hard as he could on the back. The coin had then, I was told, turned in his windpipe & slid down his throat easily, rather than blocking his airway.

I have absolutely no idea what would have happened if he’d been on his own.

When I got my head around that story, I called ‘111’ & they advised that, even though he was showing no symptoms of any kind as yet, to take him to A&E to be on the safe side.

So off Mr Bird trotted at 8pm at night, having just arrived home to hysteria, to sit in a hospital waiting room for 4 hours, go through X-rays & exams, to be told to take him home & it’ll appear out the stinky end at some point soon…

Which means that, as well as having an evening of utter terror, we’re all currently spending our weekend on poo watch. Which is a little like neighbourhood watch, except we’re only battling a crime against nature…& by nature I mean his insides…& by insides I mean his colon…& by colon I mean his poo…

So, here is the offending article, glowing away like a lovely little gift, ready to be unwrapped…I just hope Mr Bird is home when it gets delivered.

The Tooth Fairy is no longer welcome in my house.

tooth fairy sucks



Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *